I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...
Working w ppl is just so tough... esp ppl who r down and out and broken sometimes... They just want to find ppl to blame and to trash.. One day I got a client who called and said that she wanna complain about me, another day I have another client who was mad at mr for not returning call.. And the same one who was so grateful and appreciative got what I did for her and kept saying thanks.
Humans are complex beings. They all think differently and some can think for others, some can only think about themselves. Some just dun appreciate and some do.
What is it about a man who doesn't even have the courage to call?! Can't u at least let me see that resolute or tenacity in u? I'm really v disappointed. That's it. Let's end this game. I'm getting on with my life if that's wat u are and going to be... I can't live with this. Goodbye!
Jut went thru my first official week. So far so good. Came back from my 2nd youth camp, the first being the one in end nov when I started my internship with them. Everything is almost the same except that other than just being the camp photographer, I had some chances at doing some facilitation when my colleague had to go off to set up the games. Feeling a bit weird and uneasy as this is really not my forte.. A bit galang gabo here n there but I tried... I guess I was just too nervous.. Haha... I also think I got to build up my arsenal of games that I can use on the spot!
Other than the camp, still getting used to things even though I have been there since Jan.. Perhaps is just me la... Still looking forward to the things that come my way.. Really looking forward to challenging myself with things I'm not good at! ;)
Excited to know that I have been offered not only by 1 but 2 positions from prospective centres! Now I just got to make a decision which one I shld accept... :)
wow.. i have truly neglected this blog ever since i became so busy... honestly speaking, sometimes the blog is at the back of my mind but the thought of penning down something here becomes albeit tedious. and i wonder at the 'secrecy' of this cos i nv did really want my frens who knew me to read this. and ever since, i started a weibo, it has been easier and much convenient to pen my thoughts there (though it is in chinese) and of cos, things there will be perhaps more superficial than this blog i have (where i write down my inner thoughts).
honestly, i have no idea how long ago i blogged here. but today seemed like a special day enough to want to write down somethings.
I GUESS I HAVE REACH ANOTHER PHASE OF MY LIFE!! [no lah.. me not going to get married la... ]
i felt that i have gained much maturity over just this one and half year, ever since i left CfaN. like white hair is just going to appear and disguise it as wisdom! haha.. wats that suppose to even mean?? i know not! haha!!
anyway, after that year of leaving CfaN and then venture on to something else really cause me to grow so so much. the experience with SCGM that one year taught me smth so precious that i could not even fathom. the experience was formidable! yet, if u asked me if i wanna go thru it again, my ans will be 'No, thank you!'
that same year, i came to face the decision of being with someone. someone whom does not seem to make the cut. someone whom everyone around me feels that i deserved better. someone whom im annoyed by his idiosyncrasies yet at the same time amused. so we decide to give ourselves a year to think thru.
this year 2011, im finishing my internship and looking for some proper employment somewhere. i told my cg that my aim for this year for myself to start having decent savings. sad to say, my salary was nv high and the saga w SCGM has practically wiped out every cent of my savings (it is not a lot in the first place). im practically living on the grace of God and in my social service language, the handouts from my elder sis and the food ration from my parents... sound sad as it may.. im actually forward to proper employment and moving into the social service! [they really shld pay some allowance to the interns, la ]
and this year, this mark that one year and we have decide to be together. cgls were not very supportive and beckon me to think thru carefully to know what im in store for. so i took another 1 week to think thru and pray thru and i asked God for His wisdom. as if from the Holy Spirit, wat came to me was:
What i need now is not Wisdom. Wisdom is telling me that i should not marry this guy. But Love is asking me if i will want to finish this path will him. Faith is asking me if i can see myself walking this road with him. And Hope is asking me if i seen something in front of me.
It became so clear to me. i felt God has answered me. it is a road of faith, hope and love and the greatest of these 3 is love. will i abide in love for this relationship to work?
i was practically almost to tears when i saw this. it is almost God has been always there guiding me but yet i do not know. i have to hold on to this and not give up. after all, there is nv the perfect one but u becoming that one.
i was thinking to myself then is love greater than wisdom? my own ans to this qn is undoubtedly a YES! the scripture says that Love never fails.
"And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest is love." 1 Cor 13:13
yesterday was my first time taking on a case or rather 2 cases... they are both similar in a way... and then i realise some rules are there to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the situations and yet often, the rules also become the obstacles to help.
the ppl that came just needed help that sounded so simple yet they cant. bound by their circumstances. bound by the rules.
well, i just pray for God's compassion and wisdom in me to handle the cases and help the people.
this a new year. im looking forward.
>> looking forward to graduation! looking forward to wat is coming ahead! :D
too much that i had to leave. i had to escape. i had to run away.
on hindsight, i was wondering y i could not see it. ppl around me were all telling me the same thing. - i was being abused.
no wonder i always wonder y those victims who suffered abuse from their spouse or boyfren will always end up going back to them. now i understand wat went thru their mind.
well, of cos mine wasnt a case of domestic violence or any sort. it was abuse anyhow.
somehow i wondered y did God let this happen to me twice. once of spiritual abuse and another emotional abuse. was it to teach me something i did not learn the first time? what is He showing me? that leaders are not perfect...AT ALL? if He is, then maybe He really is cruel to me. perhaps He is cruel.. in a way.. like the scripture says, " it pleased the Lord to bruise His son." what kind of a father is that? we will never understand the depth of that until perhaps we reached heaven...
still i believe and trust in Him. sure, i was angry with Him for letting me into these again and again. i was angry with Him for making me a fool again and again. when i put in my best in all that i did. but they always end up futile. sometimes i wonder... if i were to just work in the secular perhaps is really easier. sometimes non Christian bosses are really much easier to work with. secular places are also easier to work in. and ur pay is higher. if thats the case, who would want to work in the non secular places? perhaps that is why is call willing to pay the price.
im willing to pay the price for the hard work. willing to pay the price for the miserable pay. but im simply unwilling to pay the price that comes with the slaves-drivers that mistreat these harvest workers and treat them like slaves. we are to work with an excellent spirit, sacrifice our time, sacrifice the money we can earn outside. but not that kind of abuse.
perhaps God really has to do something. i duno wat. but He has to.
sometimes im wondering abt the irony of the whole matter. we are in christian work because we want to lead ppl to salvations. yet at the same time, us workers are stumbled by these leaders who are doing things that are so obviously not out of love and out of line.
so task oriented to get things done, that they forget to do things out of love. so task oriented to jsut get the programme done. but if u look deeper, wat is the aim of that? to bring ppl to Christ! hence it became a negation equation. u try to bring ppl in on ur left hand and pushing ppl out from ur right hand...
haha... it is 可笑 when i think of this...
i really dun meant to be cynical or critical. but thats the fact.
working in this organization is my worst so far.. i thot the previous was bad.. until this one.. talk about jumping from the pan into the fire... and this is really the FIRE.
low morale. really makes me doubt myself. my ability, integrity and character. arghz!
i know im not perfect but i just want to finish my things asap and properly. nvm wat u say about me. i just want to finish my work. can u just shuddup and give me some time to settle the things. and can u pls stop scrutinizing everything. y dun u jsuz do everything urself?
someone told me is really difficult to meet the same kind of boss in a row... God must be moulding ur character. i guess so too. i think i really hasnt learnt. i got to learn to be meticulous, not so trusting, how to work like in the world and cover myself. thats bad. is that suppose to be even in a Christian environment. sadly to say, yes. cos we are all human. got to cover ourselves. sadly to say, i still hasnt learnt that very much.
of cos, i got to learn to REPORT everything i have done to my boss... i should log down everything i did.. so that my boss will know that i am WORKING, not loafing. ya. i know she got no eyes to see because she is too BUSY. too BUSY to see that her staff is slogging like mad, not eating her lunch almost everyday and doing so much OT. too BUSY to see that she cant cope. she has to TELL you. wat a joke! and the best joke - that ur staff is LOAFING while you are BUSY with meetings outside. hey, stop being too independent can? pls?
it is my fault that i didnt tell my boss that i cant cope. isit???
now im being blame for not doing things properly, making mistakes, mess up all the things, being irresponsible, despicable, and dishonest. wat else more do u have to say? i would have gone long ago if im not responsible. i wouldnt have stay for u to continue hurling verbal abuse at me and insulting me.
arghz! when can i get out of the sh*thole??!! and wat i have i not learnt yet God that you have to let me go thru all this crap? i know it doesnt sound like good attitude.. or even politically correct.. but wat is it?! pls let me know...
today my computer at work suddenly just died with no reason and no sound.. just *poof*! is off! i checked here and there, changed the power cable..but still cannot... and im in a hurry to use the computer! i press the CPU button again..still cannot... in the end, i just said to myself... ok.. i will just lay hands and pray. and i close my eyes, lay hands and prayed! and i pressed the button again.. and lo & behold! i felt and then hear the engine moving inside the CPU! hallelujah!! i was so thrilled! God is so cool i thought! even the electrical appliance listen to Him! haha... God has smashed my box once again! i was always skeptical when ppl tell me to pray when i told them my computer spoil, etc. to me is like, i know God revives..but not non-living thing..not computer..yes, a human... but no, not a computer! wow! but now i know God is in power of everything! the living and dead AND the non-living.. haha!
and then, i thought it was amazing. i bought sammi cheng's gospel album and im actually evry encouraged by her songs! i thought this is crazy coz it is so un-gospel.. it is so pop and so hip... and it shows that God works thru ways that we cant imagine and we dun expect!
one can always see the worst side of people when they are stressed... even pastors and leaders..after all they are all human... manipulation, nasty words and comments. even if you are really angry, have u ever come to think that watever that was said do affect people? dun u ever think abt such things? i always made sure watever came out from my mouth, even when im angry, is not something that will cause people to bring those negative words into their lives for the rest of their lives.
Words. Nasty words. They have power and they do affect people. In good ways and bad. 10 people can praise but it only takes 1 negative remark to bring people down.
history keeps repeating itself. and sighz. i am gg to extend again! tsk! is a remarkably frustrating for me but im praying to God for grace AND a good attitude to see this. i guess Ps Yang really hit the nail on its head for the msg today. we cant change the circumstance but we can change our attitude and perspective towards the circumstance. i have to admit it was with no joy that i agreed (if i did agree) to stay. i think the thing i hated was that i felt taken advantage of my kindness and soft heartedness by my boss. and i wasnt willing or even wanting to help till aug... BUT since i cant get out of this lousy situation, all i can do is to face it with a positive attitude instead of pulling a long face and hating it whenever i think of it.
GRACE GRACE IS WHAT I NEED!! AND JOY IS WHAT I NEED FOR GOING THRU THIS!
some trials are self-inflicted.. some trials are put in by the Lord Himself... wat's mine? i think both...
but thru this stupid trial, i again seen the side of me that i have never seen before... and landing myself in deep deep sh*t! argh!!
It has been almost 2 weeks or more since im back from bkk?? time flies.and as usual, i dun really take note of the time.. the break in bkk was simply great! though i have to say i din really get to buy all that i wanted to... and i actually was broke at the end of the 5 days!! :P i din expect that i will spend that much!!
anyway, like i said, was a god break. God is simply good. He noes that i needed that break A LOT! before we go, there were so many rumours and worries from ppl abt the protest in bkk. i duno if is simply faith or simply the usual 'i bo chap' mentality, i felt the peace to just go.. despite my frens who were gg on the time also started to get worried. in the end, i opted to just sign up with MFA and buy travelling insurance in case... and praise God! when we were there, everything was just fine except for the road blocks and the closing of the 3 big malls we planned to go, everything was just smooth! and on the day we flew back, on that exact day at 6pm, bkk was declared a state of emergency! i just have to say that it was a right time to go and right time to be back! now, bkk is really messy...
apart from that, i really want to acknowledge God's goodness. i had a breeze of a time doing my very difficult to do project on Sunday. i was worried i might got stuck, but somehow everyting just went on so so smooth! ok.. it din get approve straight away, i still got to finetune certain things, but it was so ez! it is realli the grace of God. today i felt was a bit difficult..until i rem i got to call upon the Lord for His grace! He is the God of small things as well as the big things of cos! my hand is also feeling better, praise God! nt sure was cos i rested it very much last week or was it cos of the prayer i went down for on Sunday..haha.. i believe it must be both! haaha...
everything is just great at the moment! i am just hoping my days in my current workplace will end soon! :P oops! i gtg i gtg!!!
just thought to write down a note before I fly! I am going to bangkok for a getaway!! haha.. excited and yet apprehensive at the same time. excited cos i can get away for a while, apprehensive cos this is the 1st time im gg overseas with frens... we went bintan together before . but thats another kind of getaway... and this time a new member joined us. lets hope everything turns out well and smooth! got to pray cos of the situation in bangkok now.
ya, on another note. just feel blessed when my sis passed me some money for my holiday :) isnt a lot yet is a sweet gesture which i appreciate v much. my boss also passed me some money. haha.. so i just feel v blessed now! and think that God is reali GOOD! :D
well, is the 2nd time i heard my boss says, " Although you are going already, can you show a better attitude in your work? How can you give me this kind of slip-shod work?!"
sighz.. wat can i say? i was actually angry and disappointed when i heard this. Not my boss but at myself. that i actually gave her that impression that i have done my work anyhowly?! i really did try my best and i knew it and i think my BIG BOSS knows it. And i guess thats enough?
i was praying for grace, mercy, favour, blessings and peace for myself, Esther and my boss. Both Esther n I are going thru the same symptoms of stress.. so, i guessed it must be spiritual! yes, so i reminded myself to be covered in the blood of Jesus and put on the armour of God! today was quite ok..mainly cos my boss wasnt free, so nt really in the office..but in the evening, i kena again. I was reprimanded why I was so slow? Not that I want to... how do I explain? I did not even stop to take my dinner lor...
I told her i wasnt finished and she insisted me to send her the copy. So i sent and then she was unhappy with the job. well, i explained but she think is just an excuse. she thinks that i'm talking back to her. well, another case of bad attitude i guess... similar to my ex-boss.. i think all my bosses think that i have bad attitude! sighz! i work so hard and tried my best but all of them think that i got bad attitude. i guess is reali down to my lousy communication skill bah.
but surprisingly, i wasnt actually feeling down when she told me off. i actually felt peace.. as if there's shield.. i felt the tangible peace of God over me. well.. she beh tahan liao my boss and decide to head home. she insisted that i redo the thing and sent to her again...and i did.. i dun mind.. cos i think thats reali not a good job done... but im slow mah..wat to do?
then something amazing happened! always on the vista!! i reali hate the system. the copy that i was working on is a "save" copy but just a "read only"... so after i happily finished everything and about to send, i realise the copy has went "missing"!! like nothing was there before. i really gave myself a tight slap for doing that. this was the 2nd or 3rd time it happened! i shld have learnt my mistake! but i really din rem i did not "save as" but just merely "open" it. anyway, the bottomline of this is: I HATE VISTA!
well, just at that time my boss called from her home. she asked y the doc wasnt sent to her yet. i told her i forgot to save and she was again v angry..and i promised to send her within 15min... which i hope i did finish my 15min... i can guess why she's angry. im even upset with myself! she's going to be very busy and so she will nt have the time to go thru... and so she will have to work till late today... v late, that is. most prob she will come in tmr with a super black face cos of lack of sleep cos she will be v bz tmr also... and reason? cos of my late work!
well, wat can i do? i just got to pray that i do as best as i could. if it still looks like i did my work slip-shod, i really have got nothing to say. actuali, i think the next few days, i will sure still kena scolded cos i reali cant get the banners out. i could c she's running out of patience.. and im running out of ideas... i guess my skill is reali nt that good lah... how? so many times, i thought i just want to telll her to fire me cos i reali cant do and duno how to do. but that sounds so irresponsible! and then, i will just be another case of AP to her again...
so how? well, God bless me... Lord, give me creativity, speed and productivity!!!
搞笑 during Chinese New Year, i had many activities. so many.. but at the back of mind, i wasnt happy at all. something just loomed behind me all the time. i think the song by show luo quite aptly describe my feelings as i was "fooling" around.
i really feel like a failure ever since i took on this job. wasnt getting any better. i was feeling worst day by day. i got to say im looking forward to my last day there. but on hindsight, that again isnt it another failure? i cant stand it that i actuali cldnt conquer it and move on. just thoughts of running away from it. It will be another black spot on my life. i dragged myself to work on wed. how sad is that?
aiyo.. why my post have been consistently unhappy.. tsk tsk.. got to post my happie stuff man. dun wanna look back at my post and just read all my unhappy things... but then, wat is there happie about? hmm...
actually life itself shld be a celebration. the fact that im alive shld be a joyful thing! i am trying to live out my life with "sufficient courage" and love it! though at the moment, i have been on and off asking God why is He doing all these to me... sighz.. and i dare to say in my head i keep thinking life actuali sucks! :P well, it may an politically incorrect ans, but is true! but the moment i think that wat im going thru are just some rehearsals, i cheer up again! i got to learn from mistake and stand up again. face the music and enjoy it! (i hope o_0).
God might be just speaking to me.. i was listening to my podcast ydae and unknown to me, the 3 consecutive msgs spoke of the same thing - finishing well! wow.. so wats that... finishing well is of utmost important..so i must look forward and reach forward to my upward call of God - to know HIm and make Him known! amen!
talking abt this seems to make my life happier...haha... i need a clearer direction in life. last day in scgm will be end march..afterwhich, i will like to just rest for a mth or 2 before looking for something else... i know i got to slow down n listen to the Lord or watever i do are just waste of my time. to be in the will of God is impt. yes. i noe. and i learned a bit more abt it. His ways are always higher than ours!
there are certain things for consideration... and i got to pray, i noe! :D
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so... "~~
at the back of my mind... there seems to be something there... always there, bothering me.
看著好笑的电视jie目。笑完了也就是这样而已。算是皮笑肉不笑吧。
那喜樂跑哪了？
也許自以為了解自己的我根本就不懂。
maybe i really duno how to handle stress.
maybe is just a season...
haiz... but after this time, i only began to really understand one thing - that is to know the will of the Lord and the direction for yourself. yes. the Lord is always gracious.
走錯了他會原諒，也會憐憫。但隻是自己會辛苦一點。自己要過自己這關。也學會了很多，認識自己也多了。then is that a gain after all? haha
well, we all need to learn to walk on our own. learn to get up after falling down.
some people might fear to get up and walk again and choose just sit there. some people may choose to continue learning to walk.. fall they might, but up they go and walk again. and then some people may choose to sit down for a little bit more, overcome their fear and start trying to walk again.
courage! - fear is normal. the key is not to be afraid. but the key is to be able to overcome the fear and obtain courage!
somehow this blog has become a place for me to just talk it out. it was not meant to be when i 1st started it..at least not for this purpose. haha.. but somehow along the way, it just became... mayb thats y is my blog. and i named it the way it was named - the journeyandthewalk. my walk in this world. my walk with God Almighty. and the journey in this life. but i guess somehow it became more of about my world than my God Almighty. but, but, but, it cant nv negate that my world includes Him and whenever i talked about my world, He is definitely included cos He is the One who holds me in His hand and navigate my way thru this world of confusion and mess... hmm.. did i just see some fog in front of me??? sometimes i think i dun see Him, and i dun see His hand in certian things but surely, somehow, He must be. He busies Himself with every step of my way, isnt it?
anyway, time for some update. not sure if i have written prior to this entry... but i have left my previous workplace n started on a new place abt 3 mths ago. am i happy? i think so. wasnt too bad, but somehow i came to ask myself, y was i there? a part of me accepted this position with gladness and a part of me with doubt. surely, i thought to myself, i could not refuse a full time position, cant i? serving the Lord has always been part of wat i want to do, yet... yet, i am not sure if this is the way I want to serve Him. i have brought a lot of stuff with me from my previous workplace. i do not want to. I hope this 2 years here will be a place whr i began to find myself back and understand wat i really wanted.
busy. does being bz give me the time to reflect though? my current workplace has too much for me that i can handle. too much work and too little time. and well, too little money as well. not that i complain but i got to be practical. it has nv been me to complain when it is I who agree to the wat was stated. mayb, only, i have overestimated myself. too dreamy, not practical..haha.. that is part of my make-up perhaps. when i awoke from my dreamy state, alas! i realised, this world is real and the money part is real too. but well, God has always been there for me. though not paid well, im nt really in lack in anyway. and His grace is always there. but only when i asked for it. haa.. mayb that is His way of seeking my attention. and well, let me realise i shldnt rely on myself too much and that much. i have always strive to solve my own problems and not trouble others. mayb it was the way i was brought up. but i realised, i brought this mentality right into my relationship with God. dun nd to bother Him with such small matters, i thought to myself almost unconsciously everytime something happened. not that big, so dun hv to 'trouble' Him. actually, wat is small to Him? He really would like us to call upon Him. is not even difficult at all. wat is that TROUBLE? ya ya..have to remind myself to keep asking the Lord for grace, for help and for healing. wat is difficult for Him?? :)
today, went to the sinsei the 4th time within 2months? 2 difft ones. hand still nt recovered. sighz. irritating cos it reali brought me some inconvenience in my daily lives. pray i got to.
oh, studies have started too. i like it though im nt too sure i can handle. it really is alot more than i expected. ok, got to sign off. my hand is objecting... the pain comes :(
this is something resounding in me as i read the book "Dreaming with God" by Bill Johnson. I have read that book before, when I was down and despair.. read through that book but it was alrite. tonite, i couldnt sleep, so i decide to find something to read. open up my shelf, i saw that book, i decide to read it again.
It wasnt that great actually but somehow as i was reading, i kept thinking to myself.. wat is that that is stopping me? wat is that that made me stop dreaming ... for myself.. for God? probably it is cos i wasnt sure wat i want to do is of God or is it of me... it had been long confusing years... as i was reading, i kept thinking to myself.. wat do i want to do? wat have i been wanting to do for God all these years in the Lord? the book started with "no longer i call you servants, but i call u friends" topic... friends no longer earn fro presence, they live in the presence. the relationship of the Father shld be intimacy, and not of earning a presence. the will of the Lord is fluid, not static. desire comes from the father.
suddenly this resolution to have the courage to dream again sudden welled up in me. i felt a sense of energy. i noe God has been speaking about dreaming again... for the last few weeks, all the speakers that came toked abt dreams and dreaming again. having hope and encouragement. but there was a fear in me. the hesitation of dreaming again. i duno if im dreaming rite. i duno wat to dream again.
but having a dream gives ppl a vision to go on. things nv realise without dreams. like wat jason wong said, he can only do when he sees. thats the thing. i must dream and see again, and then can i start moving and working again.
Lord, help me to see clearer again as i commit myself anew to you.. emotionally, spiritually and even physically. thank you, my Lord, my Father and King.
p.s. wat i have decided i must not regret. i will just follow the plan and i believe He will make all things right in His own way and timing. there must be a way around this! amen.
just now as i was having my dinner alone... as i was looking outside the restaurant, i was reflecting and thinking wat kind of a person i am... and then as i was walking home, i inevitably thought that God is very interesting to put me in places which i dun suit me at all...
there were some uncanny resemblances between my previous work place and my current one. both are messy, non-administrative ppl handling administrations (which caused much problems) and i have to built up the current media department. while my previous workplace have improved tremendously in these areas, my current one is a place i must start. i feel like im starting all over again, but in another place. feel a bit like pioneering and i was just thinking, God, is this Your will for my life? i was thinking there are a few explanations for this.
1. i always thought i have a calling for pioneering... errr... but this isnt exactly the way i thought i would want it to be.
2. a building of character - i have a dislike for doing work (note, i am referring to WORK) inefficiently and ineffectively. i dislike doing work haphazardly and with no proper SOP. [ and hence i was thinking about wat kind of a person i am... maybe like wat i heard from some people, the DISC for people are different in different areas of life. that later.]
3. i failed my last test in my previous workplace hence the repetition. 'nuff said. i hope it isnt this one. :(
toking abt my character... i was thinking it is an irony that i having a rather free-spirited character - doing wat i like whenever i like type - behaves v differently when i come to work. still, i v much prefer to find my own time to do my work, hence i think it will be great if i can just come in the office when and where i like. [ya..dream of it... unless im the boss...maybe....] i need deadlines for work and i like clear instructions..however, i need some space and autonomy too... cant be too rigid yet hvg clear instructions... is that too hard? i duno...
anyway, my current ofc is relocating so things are in a mess mess mess and i do hope things will get better when we stabilised over there... and there are many things for me to think abt without a budget... not meaning unlimited budget but no money...haha...
oh.. i was toking abt me reflecting on wat kind of person am i... and suddenly i jus feel that i am realli a 'grade B' person... y did i say that? cos upon thinking, im a person who can do a lot of things and can do many things but yet not excellent or understanding. jack of all trades is really not enough. i need to excel!
yesterday was my last day at work. somehow, i wasnt really happy. yet, i have been looking forward to this day. i knew i have to move on. perhaps it is cos of the people i left behind. but i guess the most regretful thing of this event is that i still have not manage a peaceble ending with my boss. and perhaps i should really have bid her goodbye rather than just leaving lidat. i didnt noe how i shld leave... things seemed to be rather awkward i thought and i thought she might not even want to see me. but deep inside of me, i knew i wanted to treat her with respect but did not how i shld do it. mayb it was the lack of communication or my lack of expression. i thought: why must everything be so politically correct. mayb the human soul is after all fragile. handle with care, every bit of it. this could be the part i've got to work on. we all got to learn. she too must learn. to let go. on my part, be tactful. words that seemed alrite to me, may not be alrite on others. not knowing how to beat around a bush might ultimately be my fatality..haha... authenticity is all i asked for. even if character is rough and is harsh but i accept it as it is. of cos, necessary changes have to be made but it is wat it is and i am grateful.
be true to oneself yet growing in the grace and character of God is wat i am asking for. oh God, lead me on after this... indeed You direct all our steps and even busy Yourself with them. :)
trying to make a sense of which career shld i choose, i went back to a personality test i have done before. the result was INFJ (something which i have done before and should be found on this blog of mine) and counsellor (also something i have done before).. well, my personality hasnt change. and so does the results. and the results dun help too.
why? cos the results said that im most suited to be a counselor, psychologist, religious worker, social worker, designer, artist... so, the 2 career options are included in the lists. my kind of personality usually enjoys helping ppl and the creative area. isnt it back to square1? well, so the only place i can get my answer from is reali from God.
my kind of character is open to anything that comes my way. so thats y the jobs i have done before were so wide-varied too. i guessed other than things that are too mundane or too mathematical and accounting which i dont do, the other are all fine with me.
so so... back to God.. im not saying that im putting God second to the personality tests though!
it has been a long time since i left an entry here.
it was sheer laziness or nothing much to write about, which is which, im not sure. but well, had been very very bz for the last 1 mth. for the Jubilee Anointing - Celebrating 50 Years of Preaching Ministry. it was quite weird that we are to be so busy for such a small event. "small" in my eyes cos i dun reali see it amount to as much blessings as the Good News Singapore where i see hundreds of ppl respond to the Lord and many miracles and healings happened. "small" maybe cos i am really not a "bless me, bless us, Lord" person. anyway, it was great seeing many people coming to the Lord and getting healed. It was a marvellous sight! and i really thank someone like Reinhard Bonnke who just have a heart for souls and nothing else. :) and it is indeed an honour to work under this ministry.
this sat marks a new thing in my life, and i hope it will go smoothly. the Lord has given me the date and im going forward. i really pray and hope i wun succumbed under pressure. i will not relent this time round. Lord bless me and help me...phew!
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for. ...
13All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. 14People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. ...
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 11 - 12.
i have decided to go with my vision, passion and go with conviction to the field switch. wat is full time calling? i dun believe that much in theology cos much of theology is still man-made. there are so many sch of thoughts. anyway, wat i believe in is i still believe in being called to full time doing outside work. if the reason y i want to work there centers on God, it is no longer just being a good Christian wkg in a secular institution but it is a way to the means to reach out to those ppl that the Christian institutions seemed ineffective with. i dun care how ppl c me. i care for those ppl out there. i dun want to stay in a religion. God calls us to be agents of transformation, and i want to be one of those. transformations i believe come from relationship and love. that is y the bible says that even i do everything, got burn, etc, but no love, im NOTHING. mediocre is not wat i want.
i hv a vision for wat im gg to do. i have a strong conviction for wat i think i shld do. i have a passion for the lost around me.
just read a Christian article and the author said something which i think is rather interesting. "...quitting to embrace a new vision and quitting due to a lack of vision are worlds apart!"
is new the 4th day of the lunar new year. time really flies. and many things have past. many unhappy things since the 1st day of the year, and they really got me down. not that many things.. but somehow that ONE thing always got my entire life down. have tried time and again to write here but could not. cos i thot is reali nt time to write down. now since i can write down here, i guess i really have quite gotten over it. "quite" is the keyword cos i noe i have not really. but then, im really hoping to leave it to the Lord and not mine cos my head and spirit just got heavy everytime i think about it.
ya ya... it was about the studies, again!
i have decided to leave it to the Lord... not my hands... i believe if it is His will, He will speak to me and give me a way. i dun wan to force my way in.. or out... 勉強是不會有幸福的.
anyway, these constant urgings made me reflect my life as a Christian and what is it meant by that. the things that i did and decide - were they God's things or good things? were they really biblical or man made traditions? were they really my conscience or God's conviction? - i want to make them as clear as possible. :)
i consider this period another dark time in my Christian life, under God's trial again. the last was 3 years ago that left me feeling dead. i dun reali believe i have passed that wilderness test...
this time, it is a different test... honestly, i hate it... but they got me seeing who am i inside me. however, this time i want to have a different spirit and i feel differently too. i feel that joy in my spirit whenever i think of this test. i want to GET those treasures in this dark times of mine! the treasures in the darkness! woohoo~! no matter wat i do, may i passed this test!!
i buang the parents car onto a carpark wall. was too tired and distracted. sighz... i thought that was such a bad start for the year yet looking positively, i shall not harp on it. neither did my parents harp on it. thank God! :P
thinking back... im really not a good driver. careless, bad judgment and poor knowledge of direction. mayb im really not suited to drive though i really like the feel of the rush and adrenaline i get zapping down the road...
hmm... i truely hope that this year will be a good one.
i choose to believe in the basic good of human cos nobody ever gets up one day and told him/herself that he/she is going to do something bad or kill somebody ( i assume). and it is this basic belief that enables ppl to work with one another. however, sometimes things got in the way and the selfish nature of a person turns up for work. then, that so call basic good may actually do something just to advantage oneself. so in that case, is human nature actually good or bad?
we are all made in the beginning, in the image of God. hence, in our original state, we are created to be good cos God is all good. nothing is bad in Him. but then, comes the fall of man when we decide to disobey Him and ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. then, this nature of man began to corrupt... it became so corrupted that even God was sorry that He made man. so He sent His only Son to die for us, in propitiation, of our sin. so, we became a new man in Christ. so from here, we are suppose to take on the nature of His Son. so from here, do we come back to that original state of man? or only when we led by the Spirit? there is not one good man, no not one. that is in the OT written by David ( i think). but how about when we come to the NT when the new covenant is suppose to be better than the old? so we are die to our old man and live in our new as it is written... so am i to believe that all who are in Christ, or believe in Christ has been regenerated? not so. cos even the apostle Paul was struggling himself about the things he wants to do but failed and end up doing those things which are not good... well, so how? is man good or not? theoretically yes and no. practically yes and no. human nature is naturally selfish. hence, we cant save ourselves. our God can. but yet, even when we are Christian, we are only progressing to be like Christ. yes.. PROGRESSING... then, so how about those who do not know Christ? are they only suppose to be helpless? are we suppose to presume that they are bad and not believe in the basic good? yet not so too, cos we are all made in the image of God, Christian or not.
conclusion of the matter? i really got to study about this more...
just finished watching a very interesting movie online - Primal Fear. a rather old film... have wanted to watch it something ago but could not reali find it. starred by richard gere and norton edwards. about DID - dissociative identity disorder and criminal law. anyway, it has a very interesting twist at the end of the story.
one thought that came to me as i was watching. so is he consider guilty or not guilty?
i used to think that a person with MPD or DID shld not be guilty cos he wasnt aware of wat he is doing and he cldnt control it when the other alter took over the body. but that today, i sort of have another thought... cos an alter usually is created when a person wants to escape or could not take it in the situation they are in. so, a normal person will just take it and forget about or at least tries to forget about it.. cos they r able to bear with the situation.
and so issit fair when a person with MPD/DID do something really bad, like murder, using their alter and is not consider their fault? i sort of like thought.. is like a normal person who actuali asked someone else to do the job for them. u see... it is still them though they r just the mastermind...
well, im not sure if anybody understand wat i was saying above... seemed like my analysis and comments are all in a mess... anyway, i guess thats left for debate..ha!
after much obstacles and discouragements frm my fellow concerned brethrens about my pursuing of the unpopular academic (to them), i have decided to defer my studies to the mid-yr intake... i think...
1. so that i can continue to pray and think thru it once more. 2. to appease those who really dun think is a good idea. haha 3. to show them this decision is reali not a whim of fancy. 4. i think is good for my company too... cos we have a few major mtgs this year till april. thus enuf time to look another person to replace me and also handle those big projects.
honestly, when i felt that God gave me the go ahead to do it, i was surprised cos i've nv expected. i was glad and with joy. but the next thought came to me 'skali this is a sacrifice isaac situation'. God gave it to me and then want me to give up. will i?' and i said to God, "pls dun do this to me!" anyway.. with much knowing fact that my leaders wun be v supportive of this decision i made, i decide i still have to let them noe. after all, they r my leaders. leaders may not be always right but one thing i noe and seemed to have lost is that God looks at my attitude.
Leaders may not be right, but they have to be respected and obeyed with a heart of submission. of cos, i grew to not just blindly obey which i think thats not wisdom and certainly foolish but to ask for an explanation. sure.. sometimes the explanantions do not seemed satisfactory too. but ya, is the heart lah...
this thing has taken up too much of my energy and strength. thru out this period of praying, asking for advices and gotten much discouragement showed me something about myself. i was angry. sometimes even angry with God. and i thought to myself: if i can get angry with God over this, mayb i shldnt take this up after all. cos is psychology more impt than pleasing God? who am i to get angry and upset with Him? anyway, the problem is really not Him.
something went missing after the 2 years of wilderness. i seen God's grace, God's mercy but yet it really caused me to be more sceptical with man as well.
anyway, taking more time to think thru, pray thru about taking this up, to me, i think is a good idea.
Hopedeferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. Provb 13:12
